Do what you want…

That’s the sort of a killer answer that leaves you wondering whether whatever you are doing is so wrong that you need to rethink the entire thing, whether doing it is going to have negative repercussions, whether not doing it will be more peaceful even though you know that you will probably have to live with the fact that didn’t try…that you didn’t give it your all…

I WILL do what I want…and this is what I want…

Glass edifices shatter easy…and happiness is nothing but all glass…

Chocolate and rain forever…

Been a long time since I felt so elated...and today I am...truly happy...

Chocolate and rain…forever…

Gold is the most ductile of all metals…an ounce of gold can be pulled into a wire 60 kilometres long…but then…it snaps…

And there's a golden lesson in there for everyone...Everything…no matter how ductile…if stretched beyond a limit…will snap…everything…

So...stop fuckin pushing...

List I came across on poppy's blog...and thought I will try it on my own too...
The bold ones are what I have done...

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink (Oh yeah...and boy did I regret it when sober...)

02. Swam with wild dolphins (Swimming????)

03. Climbed a mountain

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid (Whoa…that I gotta do…)

06. Held a tarantula (Almost didn’t make it till here)

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone (Hmmmn...interesting...)

08. Said 'I love you' and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Bungee jumped (But was a height that probably doesn’t count in most countries)

11. Visited Paris (Sigh…this isn’t a list for the financially challenged)

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea (Yeah…whats with the lightning and dolphins…are these like regular things people do??)

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise (Was awesome…on the roof garden of my acad center...)

14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game (Well…there was this sumo wrestling thing I did go for…but don’t think that counts…)

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa (When I do get to the leaning tower…I definitely aint climbing no stairs…its already LEANING innit? )

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (Hahaha…who does that???)

18. Touched an iceberg (Just like the lightning storm thing…)

19. Slept under the stars (Watson…where’s our tent?)

20. Changed a baby's diaper (You kidding me??? I want hybrid toilet trained babies when I do decide to have any...)

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon (Well…I know a lot of people who keep blowing hot air…)

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne (Crappy drink…dunno what all the freakin hype is about …)

24. Given more than you can afford to charity

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope (Yeah…but shortlived…too many windows to peep into around…)

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight (I thought this was only playboy bunnies…)

28. Bet on a winning horse (But in the casino…on a mechanical horse…)

29. Asked out a stranger (Actually come to think of it…would have taken it for granted that I would have…)

30. Had a snowball fight (Does an artificial snow park count?)

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can (Who the hell hasn’t done this…??)

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster

35. Hit a home run (This is India you see…sixers…are freakin cool…)

36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking (Alcohol can make anyone looking look like a fool…so who would care…)

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (I do know people who picked up their accents when they just flew over a country…)

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (It WAS just A moment)

39. Had two hard drives for your computer (Dude…this is a lame point)

40. Visited all 10 provinces (Huh..???)

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk

42. Had amazing friends (HAD being the key word... )

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country (A very amicable ladyboy…haha…)

44. Watched wild whales (And there are tame ones too huh…)

45. Stolen a sign

46. Backpacked in Europe (Never backpacked…never been to Europe…)

47. Taken a road-trip

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Midnight walk on the beach (Creepy as hell…and lotsa sand in your shoes…)

50. Gone sky diving (Not yet…this year for sure…)

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love (You bet…some people are worth it…)

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them (Crowded dhabas in Indian highways bob…you would sit next to Frankenstein if you had to…)

54. Visited Japan (Not yet…soon…soon…)

55. Milked a cow (You gotta be kidding…you gotta real pull those man…)

56. Alphabetized your cds (The age of pirated music on huge hard drives…)

57. Pretended to be a superhero (Got a blog entry too...where I thought I was superman...)

58. Sung karaoke

59. Lazed around in bed all day (Who the hell hasn’t done this…!!!)

60. Posed nude in front of strangers (huh??)

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

64. Played in the rain (now the last 3 are like freakin common…)

65. Gone to a drive-in theater (Yo…)

66. Visited the Great Wall of China (Hopefully on oct 12^th)

67. Started a business (Yup…Mystery Shopping…lazy ass cousin didn’t hold it up…)

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken (And its worse when you are doing the breaking)

69. Toured ancient sites

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight (Huh???)

72. Gotten married (Oh yeah right…!!!)

73. Been in a movie

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced (Well…point 72 made this one redundant)

76. Gone without food for 5 days (Wouldn’t be here filling this up now would I ??)

77. Made cookies/cake from scratch (Cake…and it was freakin good…)

78. Won first prize in a costume contest (What do you take me to be??)

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice ( Sigh…)

80. Gotten a tattoo (Hell yeah…got a mother of tattoos…)

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on television news programs as an "expert" (I am the talent they still haven’t discovered)

83. Got flowers for no reason

84. Performed on stage (Fashion show...plays… :-))

85. Been to Las Vegas (Sigh…)

86. Recorded music (But what sort are we talking here…??)

87. Eaten shark (Hell no…they are beautiful animals…)

88. Had a one-night stand

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

93. Been on a cruise ship

94. Spoken more than one language fluently (This would be a yes for probably 90% of the people)

95. Performed in Rocky Horror (What the f*** is that??)

96. Raised children (ok now…)

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

98. Created and named your own constellation of stars

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over (Well…wasn’t the intention…but did happen that way…)

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking its not that simple you see...(My car…my voice…my wish)

103. Had plastic surgery (Wouldn’t need it…)

104. Survived an illness that you shouldn't have survived (Yup, it was called organic chemistry in 8^th grade)

105. Wrote article for a large publication

106. Lost over 100 pounds (Yeah…in Gambling…hehe…)

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane (For 30 seconds…yes…)

109. Petted a stingray (Yeah sure…and my pet rattler got kinda jealous too…)

110. Broken someone's heart (And it hurts even to this day…)

111. Helped an animal give birth (Did give the animal its privacy…does that count…??)

112. Won money on a T.V. game show

113. Broken a bone (Again…90% have to be a yes to this one…)

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (All three)

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse

119. Had major surgery

120. Had a snake as a pet (Like I said…pet rattler…)

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours

123. Visited foreign countries

124. Visited all 7 continents (This will take time…and the 7^th one is a bitch…)

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days (Why don’t they start with a canoe trip at all…)

126. Eaten kangaroo meat (You fuckin kidding…)

127. Eaten sushi (You gotta be fuckin kidding…yuck…)

128. Had your picture in the newspaper (None were flattering…)

129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about (All the time…)

130. Gone back to school

131. Parasailed (wasn’t that great…wanna do it abroad…pattaya next time…)

132. Petted a cockroach (how the fuck do you pet a cockroach???)

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes (YUCK)

134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey

135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (You fuckin kidding…?)

137. Skipped all your school reunions (Not all…)

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (Hell yeah…shown the finger you see…)

139. Been elected to public office (Ambition though…)

140. Written your own computer language (Hah…)

141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream (At times…)

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts (Assembled the parts…)

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146. Dyed your hair (Wont happen either)

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head (Didn’t have a choice…was a little kid…)

149. Caused a car accident (Haha..by what…distracting drivers with my looks???)

150. Saved someone's life (will be glad to save my own…)

Somebody is gonna pay…and how…

And if fate doesnt do it...I am donning the robes of the reaper...

Its surprising how much one can do, what one's capable of, when one has nothing to lose…

I hereby vow to myself that I will, henceforth, post at least one entry every two days…even if its about how I don’t have much to write about…but there will not be any scope to complain about the lack of entries…only lack of matter…J

 
Its such a sea change...coming into the light...when you have been in the darkness for so long...

Now I look forward to conversations...even if I have finished one just then...I long for the exchange of thoughts...ideas...feelings...opinions...

Sometimes I feel like the old guy watching the kid run around...helping the kid when it falters...holding its hand when it walks...and giving in to the kid's tantrum and buying some candy for it...and each and every one of these acts brings a smile on to the face...brings a kind of pleasure whose existence I had almost forgotten...

Life is good...and this is me announcing..."I AM BACK!!!"

I am at extremes...always…

I said more than I should have…

I want to set a few things right…and I know I probably never can…

I wish my life had a volume button...coz I only live at extremes right now...happy moments are awesome...the sad ones are devastating...

I miss my friends, my innocence, my life before…

I hear a lot…but then I think too much about what I hear…making me want to hear more…

I wonder whether I will ever be able to make peace…with myself…and settle…

I regret only one thing in my life…and I will always do so…

I am funny at times, gloomy at times…drunk most of the time…

I dance whenever I can…and always try to do it like no one’s watching…

I sing songs that remind me of times spent with someone else listening to those songs…

I cry on the inside…the tears dried up long ago…

I am an eligible bachelor, though I rarely realize it myself…

I confuse what I need with what I want…

I need nothing from anyone…and that’s my motto now…everything interpersonal has to be a choice…not a need…

I should smile more…I have been told that I look nice when I do…

I finish what I start…but the outcome by then is something I wouldn’t have set out to do…

I could do with some sense…and strength…

I feel empty at times…hollow…pointless…and I never am able to figure out why…

I like to be alone…and most of the time I do get to be so…

I hate to confide…

I will stop here…

E is blogging now...and has managed three posts so far without forgetting her password... That, to those who know her, is one of the things that should be featured in Ripley's Believe it or not...

Started speaking to G again last week...and boy...the happiness we both felt to hear from each other is quite a sign of how close we were or how much we missed talking...so all good now...

Update...The famed ISB churn seems to have kicked in...have gathered news about quite a bunch of people quitting the jobs they took at placements...and almost interrupted a friend's telephonic interview yesterday...well...its all about the Moolah honey...

Update...orkut has definitely opened up my old ties...have met so many friends from school...(or rather...people I knew in school...and who are potential friends for the future...)

Update...Job is going great at this point of time...have met so many people...impressed by most...disappointed by a few...but a learning experience each day...

Update...on the personal front...I have found out that I am capable of letting go... A part of me probably still clings on to the past...but I have been able to hold myself back and not do anything to get in touch with my past...proud of myself...and they may be small steps...but they are sure ones...

Quote...And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you...

Yo yo yo…

After my strong resolve to let go of unpleasant memories and to enjoy the moments that I otherwise lose brooding, its been quite a ride…

Went on a crazy trip to Bangkok last week…crazy coz I went alone the first day as the people I had to go with ran into some ECNR trouble and landed only the next day… Stayed the first night at Amari Boulevard, a nice 5-star in Sukhumvit…and boy…a walk in the night around the area resulted in about 40 ladyboys helping themselves to a grab at me…getting felt up is not pleasant and if there’s a question mark when it comes to the sex of that person, that makes it even worse…

For the uninitiated…ladyboy is a local term there for men who undergo a complete revamp to look like women…and boy…they look hotter than any woman in Bangkok…but trust me…any woman over there above the height of 5 feet 4 inches…that aint a woman…so watch out…!!! Our taxi driver for 2 days was a real cool chap called Sawas...and he told us that men there get the whole revamp done and it costs them about 60000 baht...(around 85000 INR)...JEEZ...

Second day was spent in SIAM and a tour around the city before I met up with my friends at the airport…headed to the Marriott Spa and boy…what a view from the room…pity we didn’t spend much time in there….

Bangkok is awesome for shopping…SIAM in particular is THE area to shop…the most expensive brands and also tons of economical shops…

Didn’t want to return…but work on Wednesday forced me to on Tuesday…hung out with friends in Hyderabad for the night and headed to Bombay the next morning…too much traveling of late…and boy…it definitely isn’t as rosy as I thought it would be…

Someone left a comment on my earlier blog…a very happy smiley while telling me that I got what I deserve. About character and self respect, about how the lack of the two is the cause for me to end up here…and about how every bit of this pain is well deserved.

After getting over the initial shock, I think that the person (who ever it is…many I know who would be happy to see me down) made sense….I indeed deserve a lot of pain for the amount I have put some people through. I have lived quite an inconsiderate life this far and am sure now my loneliness is the only thing standing between me and more inconsiderate behavior.

But yet I know that people make mistakes…and they pay for them…and retribution arrives sooner or later…and once that is through, its again a sunny day, again a fresh start with a clean slate. It might be the same place…the same people…but it’s a different you…

I am at that part of the cycle now…where I am new…but everything else around me is old…the old part of my life will always cling on to the old me…will always complain about my flaws and hate me for it…and I will always be under that shadow…

But there is a new me who doesn’t want to live in these shadows anymore…who wants to break free…who wants to love and be loved…who wants to have a few good conversations and a few nice people to talk to…who is well aware of his past…well aware of the mistakes he made…the pain he caused…and who will regret every bit of that for the rest of his life…and would do anything to set things right…

Sadly…things once done…cant be undone…and an innocence once lost…cant be regained…

So…the old me is always going to shadow the new person that I am trying to be…and I will always be haunted by the ghosts of my past…I have paid the price for each of my actions…but the forces that are don’t seem to think so…

Loneliness, as popularly perceived, isn’t when everyone leaves you ….but according to me is when ‘you’ leave you…

And I know...